Writing wasn’t something I saw myself making my career in. If you had asked the 5-year-old me what I wanted to become when I grow up, I had no damn idea. I never considered my creative side as my specialty, I never had a clue it was something to cherish. I don’t remember if I ever participated in any writing competitions in school, though, what I do remember is that I loved reading stories, a lot. I used to read and then create stories in my head, but never paid attention that it was more than a way to escape from the toxic environment I spent most of my childhood in.
Growing up with an orthodox mentality and toxicity did cause me to have mental health issues like social anxiety and depression. I was suicidal for most of my life. Lived because I had to, it wasn’t my time to leave the earth yet. My whole life, I had existed for others, tried to be the person I wasn’t, and that caused me to lose myself in the process.
For more than 20 years of my life, I had existed, not lived but existed, followed a chore, a pattern, seen and witnessed things I shouldn’t have at a very early age. I’m not saying I haven’t had fun times, or not enjoyed my childhood at all, I had. I had my share of fun times, but it’s said that our brain remembers more negative experiences than positive ones, and my negative experiences caused me to give up on myself and life.
So you might ask what changed for me?
I am a huge believer of everything happens for a reason. When I moved out in 2015 from my hometown to pursue a degree in fashion design (a stupid decision made by my confused brain), it opened a brand-new world for me. I realized that I wasn’t a black sheep in a crowd of white sheep, I just didn’t know how to remove that color off of my body.
Moving out was a big thing in this journey of self-discovery I had taken today. For my entire childhood and teenage life, I didn’t know I was an introvert. I learned the personality types in college, I learned that being quiet and reserved isn’t being different, and that there are millions of people out there who are like me. Though, it was nothing in front of the struggles that were waiting for me ahead.
The phase that made me realize a lot of things.
Going to school and college isn’t that tough, you are being supported financially. (For the people who can afford it. It’s a struggle for millions, and I acknowledge that.) What’s tough is being out there in the world and facing the reality of life, and that’s where people either succeed or fail miserably. I failed, again, and again, and again… and again, but never stopped, paused to think what am I doing wrong. I was desperate to earn money, but never paused to think whether I was happy in the internships/jobs I was doing. I had dreams, wild dreams, but I wasn’t happy or satisfied.
I kept going in that cycle until the global pandemic happened and everything stopped. For everyone, the word Covid is equivalent to Voldemort, nobody dares say it. (not a Potter head) But for me, that phase was the best phase of my life. That was the time I discovered my love for writing. I was stuck in my 1hk apartment, away from the family, my roommate’s finals had been completed a month before that, and she was gone already, so for the first few months, I was all alone. And that was the life-changing, unforgettable months of my life.
The show that changed everything for me.
I had binged watched an American TV show called Shadowhunters in 2019, the very year it ended. (I had binged on it a million times already, and I still watch it to this day.) Ask the old me if any TV show would mean so much that I’ll cry over it, and she would laugh her head off. But it happened, and I’ll forever be grateful for that. It wasn’t that a particular character stuck out as super inspirational, in fact, many characters were, and the actors were as well, but what truly affected me was how my obsession with the show made me deep dive into the world of fanfiction.
What is fanfiction you ask? I believe you might know what fanfiction is, but if you don’t, it’s basically we fans take our favorite characters, couples, person, and put them into our own world of fiction. Sometimes, it’s the same world that we’ve seen or read, other times, we create everything of our own, like I did.
My roommate used to be annoyed with me because I used to be so motivated to do it all the time. (Still hadn’t realized why I was so dedicated towards it – stupid me). When lockdown occurred, and I was left with nothing but to read and write 24X7, that time I started realizing how much I’m passionate about it. I might have discovered at that point my love for writing, but I had a long way to actually figure out what to do about it.
The worse and best year of my life.
For others, it might be 2020, the year that doesn’t exist, that we don’t talk about, for some it might be 2021, but for me, it was this year, 2022. In the years that I was stuck in my room, I kept writing, reading, and researching. I came back to my hometown in mid-2020 and since then the journey of writing had kept growing. I had done a course in content writing as well, tried blogging several times, but kept failing and giving up easily. Kept going back to the mentality of I’ll see whatever happens in the future, I had no interest, I’m just existing anyway, until January 2022 came by. I don’t know what news I read, but it was related to another death due to suicide or virus, and it made me question – why the hell I’m still alive? 2 years of a deadly pandemic that took so many lives, so why didn’t it mine when I always asked for it?
I had been suicidal my entire life, hated myself, begged to god to just end this forever, but this very question switched something in me and that’s when I started asking more questions to myself. If I’m alive, then what’s my purpose in life? What am I meant for? Because in no way I’m going to exist as a robot doing a 9-5. It took a deep dive into myself to find out that a 9 – 5 job isn’t for me. I like being my own boss. If I’m alive and breathing, there has to be more than just existing, there need to be more.
This opened a floodgate that consumed me in the worst possible way. I was used to all the negativity around but seeing things from a different perspective, that became ten times worse, and it resulted in the worst and the best thing – I went so insane that I self-harmed for the first time in my life which in turn resulted in me going into a path of learning spirituality and making myself a priority. Something I had never done before.
These events were recent and ever since I’m not the same person anymore. I’m looking at things with a clearer perspective. I’m able to observe my thoughts and stop myself from saying something self-destructive. I’m working towards making my career in something I love and not something I had to for the sake of money. (Though, I know I need to in order to find stability and passive income in the start). It is a journey that I recently started and through this blog, I want to share this journey with the world.
Why do I call myself an impossible dreamer?
My dreams, they were always wild and big. Before I realized my passion for writing and creating, I had dreams where I had everything, a title that everyone loved, a house full of luxury that I can show off to the people who looked down on me. I wanted to reach for the stars. Impossible? Yup.
Since the time I started rethinking everything, my dreams have changed too. I no longer want luxury or to show off, but I have a dream house that I envision from time to time. My future is filled with happiness where I can travel wherever and whenever I want, earn while doing so, have a cute dog who goes everywhere with me, and I’m living a successful, abundant life. Still impossible? Yes. But I’m determined to make it happen this time, and this all started from a mere TV show. A show that changed my life.
If you are reading this and are stuck somewhere where I was once, or have started this journey recently as well, or if I managed to inspire you even a little, I want you to ask these questions to yourself –
- Am I happy with what I have?
- Am I satisfied with what I have?
- Do I want more from my life?
- If I’m alive when I don’t want to be, then what is my purpose? What changes can I make?
- What am I meant for? What am I meant to do?
- Am I living my best life?
- Who am I to myself? A demon, a saint, or somewhere in between? How do I view myself?
- What/Who is it that you love the most?
These were the few questions that I asked myself, and you can too. I’m still discovering the questions that can help me become a better version of myself, and believe me, it will make a change. It did for me, and it’s coming from the world’s most hopeless person you’d have ever come across, before. You might also end up becoming an impossible dreamer.
Leave a Reply