Cozy Coffee Dayz

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were—I have not seen
As others saw—I could not bring
My passions from a common spring—
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow—I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone—
And all I lov'd—I lov'd alone—
Then—in my childhood—in the dawn
Of a most stormy life—was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still—
From the torrent, or the fountain—
From the red cliff of the mountain—
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold—
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by—
From the thunder, and the storm—
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view—

By Edgar Allan Poe

The title might have you thinking, is it really possible? Is this girl kidding? Like, how can someone be happy and alone at the same time? 

Being alone by definition means having no one else’s present or on one’s own, and in no world can someone be happy by being alone. Even introverts need someone, a group, or a bunch of friends from time to time to have a little fun time. They also need someone to talk to, and this statement is coming from a highly introverted person. 

What made me say this statement?

Coming from a family with a mix of opinions (60% orthodox), I had to learn the art of being patient because I had always hated arguing, and being the only child, I had no one to share my feelings with. Friendship was a curse planted by some wicked being that still exists to this date. Being bullied, used, taken for granted, taken advantage of, I’ve been through every single one of those, and thus, journaling and creating fantasy worlds became my best friend at a very small age. 

I experienced true friendship when I moved out to study in college, but even then, I’ve been hurt, left out, used, and faced every other experience that made me, me. I’ve always been called the quiet kid (the world-famous yet misunderstood synonym for shyness, I’m not shy), being questioned again and again, and told, again and again, to talk more. My question to these people is – with whom and what? I’m not the type of person who can sit and gossip for hours (unless the topic is of my interest), especially with a stranger. 

Nobody around me seems to understand that not everyone can be a social butterfly. I’ve been pushed and encouraged to open up more, and that’s how I started masking my true feelings, leading to a path that led to something I realized way too late in life. By then I had gotten used to the feeling of loneliness, a state that is dangerous if not dealt with care.

How did I change that feeling into happiness?

I have felt left out, excluded, hurt, being used again and again so much that I shut off myself from the world. I am the kind of person who gets dependent easily, so I did something that was hard for me but was worth it in the end. I stopped expecting from others. Be it friends or family, I had no expectations from anyone. 

The very first time I realized the true potential of being by myself was when I was living with a roommate before moving into an apartment with her. I’ve been left by myself for hours before that, like in my hostel, or when my parents were out for work, but there used to be people around. In that apartment, I realized the joy of being alone because my roommate used to leave for months to go back to her hometown.

That was the time I had spent all by myself, and I fell in love with that feeling. Not going to lie, there are consequences of being and living alone, like dealing with creepy crawlies (cockroaches) but the pure joy of being your true self that you can’t be in front of others was out worldly for me. For someone who has masked their entire existence, it was satisfying to be the crazy, weird person I am and there was no one to judge. 

Now you might say that even for someone who loves being alone, for introverts, it could still feel lonely after a while, and honestly, it does. It did for me in the beginning, because I was naive enough to lend my heart to others, only for it to be broken again. So the solution, make friends but don’t let them deep into your heart and soul, even if you do so, remember, sometimes you can’t trust even your own shadow. Especially in today’s cruel, inhumane world. 

The first few months I lived by myself, I was alone, it was a mixed feeling between excitement, joy, and dread but the next time I was left alone for more than six months (during the global lockdown), I truly embraced it. I embraced every minute, every second of it. There was no one to judge me, no one to stop me from doing weird shit. Those months made me realize that to make you happy, you need not be dependent on others. You don’t need materialistic gifts, romantic dates, or expensive shits, you can do all of those by yourself. You can go on a solo date, you can gift things to yourself from time to time, you can spend some quality time with your inner self, and trust me, it will be a nourishing, joy-filled experience.

Of course, those small moments with your loved ones are forever to cherish, but sometimes, to make you truly happy, all you need is you. You are the reason for your own happiness, and I have learned it the hard way. It might be cliché, and you might have heard it several times before, but let me say it again, happiness is a choice. After having gone through something recently in my life, I have started to truly embrace that choice. 

So, what things will you need while living alone and making the most of it?

• First and foremost, you. With your full dedication and will.
• Things you love doing the most, like painting, creating, music, cooking, or simply a bed and blanket if you love sleeping like me. 
• Your will to do things solo to nourish the inner you. (You will also learn a lot while doing that and trust me, it’s an experience worth having, but make sure you’re safe and secure).
• Food, lots and lots of food. (if you are a foodie like me.)
• Lastly, accept that no one’s there to stay, not even your own shadow, so cherish the smallest of the moments you have with yourself. Even if it’s sleeping for a few extra minutes or having that extra cookie. 

If you are still struggling to find the answer, the secret of being alone and happy is the mere acceptance that people don’t stay, neither friends, family, nor even your own shadow. You have to be your own best friend, you have to make the best out of the worst and shine through it like a diamond. It made me stronger, and it might make you too.